*THE DIARY OF A MADMAN* [entries|friends|calendar] Alex [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

*Oh Jesus Christ Almighty Do I Feel Alright No Not Slightly* [18 Jul 2009|09:39pm] [ mood | hyper ] [ music | Church ~T-Pain ] As time progresses, I feel myself transforming into every partner who comes before the last. There’s a character shift growing apparent in the romantic relationships of my life. A role reversal. Growing up I used to hear examples of this. A decent person gets abused, and as a result they play the role of abuser in their following relationships. Accordingly, that’s how my life is gradually panning out. I feel myself growing more heartless and selfish as time progresses. I’m beginning to realize that certain aspects of my personality I end up adopting from the last person I dated. Whether it’s a selfish way of viewing life or negatively treating people. Oddly, the people I hook up with will exhibit the characteristics of myself, whereas I’ll play the role of the person who came before. I notice this, yet it doesn’t bother me whatsoever. Just afraid that I shall be all out of relationship energy by the time I’ll finally want one. I digress though, I feel this would all end if I ever found someone that I cared about. It’s empowering to not be dependent on romantic relationships and to feel like you deserve better. That aside, I did my second Thursday at the Square the other evening. Extremely packed. Started to dance on the monument and I attracted a gay guy. He was one of many that night. I’m growing tired of being a “dick magnet”. Later that night, I did my first real kind of bar hopping on Chippewa. Chris, Steve, and I went to Bottoms Up, Soho, and stood outside The Pure. The music sounded Rave like, so I definitely must return. In essence I dance like a Raver, thus everyone else misinterprets that as, “oh this guy is gay”. I wish heterosexual men could be allowed to dance fast. The following night at Mickey Rats a guy walked up to me and told me how I should dance. I must be the only person who utilizes the activity for its therapeutic purposes, which must be canceled out by my hardcore drinking. And I must add that there is no greater fun than walking out on the Mickey Rats beach and smoking a joint. I am becoming addicting to this kind of a nightlife. With or without anyone. post comment

*There Is No Path To Follow* [05 Jul 2009|03:23pm] [ mood | rejuvenated ] [ music | Rock Your Body ~Black Eyed Peas ] So I did an overnighter at the Blue Heron Festival. The event reminded me of a Rave, except if they had one in the woods and allowed camping (instead of saying Happy Rave, individuals uttered Happy Heron). Overall I thoroughly enjoy the whole psychedelic experience, glow sticks and all. Definitely wish that I could’ve spent the whole weekend there. The whole experience was intoxicating, an overload of the senses. I spent my night till 4AM jumping between the four musical acts. Essentially, they had a modern dance floor under a tent, a large stage with a concert transpiring, mini café with musical acts, and a really hippie fashioned drum circle surrounding a campfire. The vendors were amusing as well. I bought an Ocarina and two bracelets that match my colorful belt. They also had this massage tent, where they sat me in an anti gravity chair, and rubbed me off. Pure Heaven. Originally my sole purpose for attending was to grab ahold of the elusive DMT molecule, but that didn’t go as planned. Regardless it was still phenomenal... A couple weeks ago, I traversed to Rochester for my second Rave with Chris and Moel. We ended up doing shots of Jamison in my back seat, looked very suspicious. Then within twenty minutes of going inside and dancing very hard, I ended up throwing up all the alcohol. Must be why people do ecstacy instead of alcohol at Raves. This event was more festive than the Rave in Toronto. I love the decorations and ridiculous attire that the people wear. Plus you can do absolutely anything you desire on the dance floor without being judged, since everyone appears crazy themselves. Lisa’s joke of labeling me a Raver may finally be true... In reality, I just love to dance. It’s the only form of exercise I practice, whether alone or in a social situation. It’s an addictive activity. I’m glad I finally reached a level of comfort, security, and apathy with myself, where I can make an ass out of myself dancing and give two shits about what people think. I’m also starting to appreciate doing social activities on my own. Individuals complicate things. I never thought I’d be so comfortable being alone in a group of people, or even not depressed for that matter. I don’t like discussing my happiness, due to this irrational fear of jinxing it and reverting back to my old behaviors and cognitive processes. In general, I just feel level, more content to be in the moment, and appreciative of life. Must be the sun... I spent the Fourth of July at Mickey Rats. I love beach bars, because they allow you to take a break, walk down the beach, and light up. The place was at maximum capacity, so you couldn’t walk by without brushing into someone. I had a blast, a little too much of one. I woke up and found myself walking down a random street at 7AM. I’m assuming that a blacked out at 3AM and must’ve passed out in my car and did some walking afterwards. I’ve just been partying a lot since my family has come to visit. Gotta ease the tension somehow... Up! was amazing. When I traveled to Florida a month ago I saw the film in 3D. Definitely another Pixar classic... Just finished reading A Brief History of Time. I ordered Hawking’s other book, The Universe In A Nutshell. I believe more people would be atheists if they immersed themselves in quantum physics. I still have this appreciation for science, and thirst for knowledge that hasn’t extinguished yet. Listening to my mom’s Creationist attitude lately, has once again fueled the intensity of my atheism, haha... Besides that I can’t think of anything else to ramble about. 2 comments|post comment

*Pure Narcisism* [12 May 2009|11:31pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Speedway ~The Prodigy ] Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other. post comment

*Why Don't you Play The Game?* [15 Apr 2009|11:53pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | Digital Love ~Daft Punk ] So I got my new car about three weeks ago, a 2003 Chevy Malibu. Within that time frame I've already placed almost 2000 miles on it. I love driving now. Never realized what I was missing out on until I ditched my lovely Taurus... So I've felt emotionally stable for about a month now. It's foreign for me to state and feel something like that. A part of it may be due to the overprotective nature I've been taking with myself recently. Instead of allowing anyone and everyone in my life, I'm being very selective. I'm sick of people causing unnecessary damage and stress to my life. It may be fear keeping me in line here, but life couldn't be any better right now. To a point it scares me. I started to realize years ago, that I can remain emotionally stable outside as opposed to inside a romantic relationship. Not only do I have that problem with feeling impressed and connected with a romantic interest, but I'd probably be happier if I remain single for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I want to be and die in a romantic relationship someday, and I have my lonely moments also, but the truth of the matter is that I enjoy these stress free single moments. I've changed a lot. There was a time when I used to cry everyday over being lonely, but HELL it's empowering when you make the choice to be single (doesn't count when you're forced into that decision). But yeah cut to a journal post a month from now, and I'll probably be bitching about being alone and fucked over by a girl, because yes we are all walking contradictions at times... I know that this is about five years too late, but I am finally getting better at Dance Dance Revolution. I bought the game for the Wii, and it has been my sole source of excercise throughout this past month. I really need to utilize my gym membership. At least I have enough motivation to travel towards the livingroom and turn on the game... Nothing else note worthy. If anyone has any questions then they can shoot away!!! Definately need other things to write about... 3 comments|post comment

*Work It, Make It, Do It, Makes Us, Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger* [20 Mar 2009|11:32pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | One More Drink ~Ludacris ] I'm starting to believe that we're all suffering from sun deprivation up here. One day in Florida's 80 degree weather had me bouncing off the walls with energy, let alone a whole weeks worth. Florida was the reboot of this terrible year that I needed, and I've felt like a new person since. Oddly, I'm really beginning to contemplate the prospect of living in Florida. My vacation was perfect, my mom always does a great job of spoiling me. I eat better with her then I do ever. Of course we did the usual Chic-feeela that I love. On top of that we ate at the Mexican place I enjoy there and I got to eat Sushi at this sweet Japanese restaurant that cooked/performed dinner in front of you. We also did the beach almost everyday, miles of beautiful spring breaking women, mmmmmmm my manliness is showing. As usual I refused to wear sunscreen my first day. Consequently piles of skin follow me in the air wherever I go now as I peel incessantly (I definately feel bad for the dinner I cooked my residents today, they probably ate my skin haha). Another perk this vacation was the fact that Steve and his girlfriend visited me for a whole day. It was great to have some friends to chillax with. Steve and I went parasailing 2000 feet in the air which was one of the coolest experiences I've done in my life. It's definately something worth doing before you die. Nighttime was fun too, because the three of us ran around on the golf course, rolling down the hills, and stealing over fifty balls. In general, I enjoyed the unique routine of Florida. Even the simpler stuff from watching my Rocko's Modern Life dvds before bed to taking my usual two/three hour nightly walks. The weather is unparalleled. One night I even met this drunk 28 year old during my walk and he helped set me in the right direction for me life, haha. Fucked up enough, an empowering and insightful moment was going to the Regal to see He's Just Not Into You with my mom. Viewing that chickflick at that moment in time actually affected me for the better. I never thought a movie of that sort would touch me in such a way. Overall the trip was a blast, nice to not miss my mom and brother for a week. My time since I've been home has been great also. The next day from returning, I traveled to Toronto with Lisa to see Britney Spears. Yes throw the rocks, it was one of the highlights of my life. Even if you hate the music, the theatrical show she puts on is great. The concert was an actual circus, very entertaining. Two surprises though. The Pussycat Dolls opened which somehow made it another plus, and our seats in row 19 at the top of the stadium did not exist. Yet it didn't matter, because I'm glad that I could stand up, dance, scream, and make a complete ass out of myself without anyone knowing. I was the loudest straight guy there!!! Overall it was a perfect evening, I regret not taking a sick day to see more of the city. I've been reading the book regarding Strassman's DMT research since I've returned, and its been making me want a PHD just so I can do my own research on the drug. I hate the idea of doing research since I'm lazy, yet the prospect of studying DMT makes me want to go through the schooling. There's probably an easier way, such as being a volunteer or funding such an endeavor. DMT has been intriguing me for years, its the closest you can come to experiencing death without the actual permanence. I'm traveling to the Blue Heron Festival this year in hopes of obtaining the elusive drug. Also I should be driving my new Chevy Malibu on Monday or Tuesday. I'm uber excited. Scarlett will be missed, but it's time that I drive something with door handles and an exhaust system... post comment

*Girl Afraid, Where Do His Intentions Lay, Or Does He Even Have Any* [09 Mar 2009|11:32pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Get Seduced ~The Faint ] I'm suddenly realizing that my house looks like it was decorated by someone in highschool. Between the Christmas lights, Air Freshners hanging randomly, and lava lamp, I'd have to say that I'm a bona fide teenager. Probably has something to do with my lack of decorating while in high school. Trying to accept that she meant more to me than I ever did to her. It's one thing to finally come to that realization, but it's another to accept plus attempt to understand that. The following will consist of me oozing out unattractive insecurities, so you are all forewarned. Put simply, I'm beginning to notice that I may have a problem with trying to entertain people. Possibly stemming from those wonderful emotions of not feeling good enough. I notice this especially in romantic relationships. Once a person actually gets to know me, I feel that I'm boring, stale, out-dated, etc. Women never stick around long enough, which further exacerbates feelings of rejection. This entertainment issue sucks, because I'm realizing that in a lot of scenarios I can't relax and enjoy anything. At least I'm at the point again where I'm accepting that I'm alone. Yeah I know, it doesn't count when someone leaves you, but I don't mind embracing my solitude again. There's an abundance of work and reflection I need to do on myself, and hopefully the time that ensues will be for the better. I honestly need to figure out my life, and will momentarily clean up again if necessary. I'm hoping that my trip to Florida will allow me to objectively view my life. 2 comments|post comment

*It Never Really Began, But In My Heart It Was So Real* [16 Feb 2009|11:17pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | 3 Peat ~Lil Wayne ] You can be accepted and loved by everyone, yet feel so rejected by the world if done by the right person or people. Seems irrational to me. I'm really questioning who I am as an individual lately. Inquiring into how I used to think, who I strived, and am continually striving to be. I'm less repulsed by my naive sexual mindset than I used to be. Not embracing it, but less anger. Scary. I've been happier than ever in my self-destructive course. It seems harrowing in the long run, but momentarily enjoyable. I remember the years of precaution I took, all out the window, due to a lifetime of pent up anger, sadness, and probably laziness. Maybe I just have less motivation now to handle things constructively. Not sure of my direction as usual. How do you lead a fulfilling life, minus the distractions? Did terrible on the practice GRE, and we know that I cannot increase my score monumentally within three days. I digress though, what are we doing with these GRE scores??? This insomnia at my job is really getting under my skin. I've honestly grown to appreciate my bed after sleeping here for the past six months. Plus I'm so tired of waking up all night, checking my phone, living in some past that ended before it even began. Let's digress again, I have Florida coming up next month, yay! Usually that creats more problems then solves though. Still hoping that it'll clear my mind. When I get back I'm actually going to a... cough, fidget, Britney Spears concert (my idea) and a Morrissey concert the next day. I guess both can make me feel homosexual in some fashion, but it's my silver lining in the cloud of shit. Visited Fredonia college the other day. I always enjoy going for the scenery. New sights help to take your mind off everything, especially when I can walk around the campus and what not. Plus there's a creek that I visit next to the school, which helps to make me feel young again. The school in general is definately hommier than Buffalo State is. Can't wait to waste the mileage and go back. Nothing else going on. Life has been more exciting than ever since I've graduated, but as I mentioned above, with the addition of self-destruction and the usual philisophical problems. I am so fucking dramatic. post comment

*Stale Incense, Old Sweat, And Lies Lies Lies* [31 Jan 2009|11:11pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | Breakin’ Dishes ~Rhianna ] Well I've decided to pour my heart into this LJ entry, because I want to start writing again and so much has transpired in my life since I've written a meaty journal page. I doubt anyone will read this in all entirety, but I'll give a backrub to those that do. Readers beware, the following includes more drama than usual, from life's complaints to girl loathing. Enter with caution... Your So Gay And You Don't Even Like Boys January has been the worst month ever. A spectacular start to the new year. On New Years Eve my step-brother went psychotic. My step-father gave me this gorgeous new vehicle to take care of, so of course a day later my step-brother forcibly took the keys from me in my own house. Insert the paranoia and fear I've been living in since the incident... Nonetheless I've also been experiencing depression in a different fashion than usual. In time I've grown more explosive and began to isolate myself from everyone. I had no motivation to do anything besides lay around, cry, and feel helpless. I'm attempting to get out of that pathetic behavior. Consequently I've been impulsively throwing miniature parties, doing social activities with friends, and trying to keep productive. Anything to mask depression momentarily.. Attempts At Productivity On February 20th I'm finally taking the GRE. I'm still motivational-less, but the scores are good for up to five years, giving me some leeway to find direction. The sound of a Psyd degree interests me, but that would force me to live anywhere but NY state. The program at Medaille attracts me, because if I buckle down and work straight through an entire year, I'll receive a Master's degree (which is half the time it normally takes). Truth is I'm less enthused about a research based degree since I'm not motivated enough to do all the work involved in such. But who knows, I don't feel too productive at the moment, hence the reasoning I'm even contemplating this... Contacting CEPA Gallery soon, once all the slides they need are in order. Chris and I are growing tired of doing things in Buffalo and really want to start accomplishing art related matters on a grander scale. Possibly exhibiting work in different cities or something. I'm so afraid of letting the digital photography slip away. It's the only productive and impressive thing that I have going for my life, and I'm sad at the loss of momentum in time... Your Need For Me Has Been Replaced (Girl Drama) Let's face it though, no art gallery will ever compare to the feeling of Curtains Up in September. Every gallery afterwards will be a reminder of a disintegrated romance. So I've actually been single for a decent amount of time, even before I started working at Transitional Services. In essence, before I started working at TSI, I haven't been into a girl since the very beginning of my relationship with Angela. It's difficult for me to become emotionally attached to people. Leaving me empty in a good majority of my friendships. I have a problem with "falling" for girls. Sure I'm attracted to them, love the attention, want the attachment, etc..., but I have difficulty with being impressed by them. So I met a girl at work who impressed and brought me back to my old hopeless romantic mindset. For the first time it felt like I wasn't settling, I chose to "fall" for her. Within a five month period she learned things about me that my friends don't even know. I've never met someone with such a similar orientation towards life. This included everything from the deep to the topical. (Objectively I must state, that part of this orientation must've been a product of her being an educated college student who was getting her Bachelor's in psychology this semester. Thus maybe I should start dating individuals who are my age or older plus educated?) I consider Curtains Up to be the beginning of us dating. For the following months I had the illusion of a relationship. The comfort, communication, and contentness was unparalleled. I've never had a time period with a girl ensue the way we did. Even the romantic things I did for her were unique, from the blindfolding down Sunset Bay to the climbing of a Billboard. Oh how naive and disillusioned I became. For this brief period, I believe that I was starting to feel trust and security, something that I don't experience with anyone. It really is a process, a foreign one for me. Oddly my wall was let down, leaving me more vulnerable than I've been. She went to California for two weeks, came back, and abruptly ended the romance. Her reasoning is respectable, she's going to grad school in California, she got too close, and doesn't want to feel too attached when she leaves. But now I'm just left to my insecurities, she's unavailable, and filtering me out of her life. I want so badly for my anger to trigger my wall rebuilding process, I don't want to feel vulnerable and pathetic anymore. I'm sick of waiting around for nothing to materialize. I'm tiresome of the false hope that's sprinkled throughout my life. I can't stop clinging to the past, and the hopes I create in that time. Why can't I let go when someone isn't interested? Optimistically though, this incident is helping me to appreciate the people in my life who’ve been there for me the longest. I want to strengthen those bonds since they last longer than any romance. I’m finally realizing that the long term girls in my life are more important than these short lived interests that destroy me in the end. Either way, please wall, come and wreak havoc, I need your protection... Guilty Pleasures (A Musical Journey) Lately I've been having a sickening obsession with female vocal dance music. It's a guilty pleasure of mine that has grown immensely in time. I'll listen to and get pumped up to music like Lady Gaga, Rihianna, and worsely Britney Spears. I've always had eclectic tastes with music, but those above bands feel embarrassing. Oddly I think I've mapped out my musical history to see why I've grown to appreciate such bands. The first CD I ever purchased was in Boston on an eighth grade field trip. Essentially I bought the really popular Destiny's Child album at that time. Bizarrely I never understood why people listened to music until Junior year of highschool. To cope with my first breakup (yes I was delayed in socializing, friends, dating, partying, music, driver's license, etc..) I got into another female dance band called t.A.T.u. (which is definitely less embarrassing since they were Russian). Soon thereafter, the process of music becoming my life began. In that time, to this day, I've listened to a lot of 80's music (which unknowingly can be considered dance) and the Industrial tunes of the 90's. Now the trigger which brought this girly music to my forefront as of late must've been the Spice Girls. It has been all downhill since. So in conclusion, I must have a lot of time on my hands, enough for me to map out my guilty pleasure of female dance music... (I realize that one of the main reasons I throw parties are so I can sneak Britney Spears type music into the background. Hell I can't listen to this stuff with anyone else, but in a party atmosphere the girls don't mind it one bit.) Other Tangents I found this website that sells you bootlegged Nickolodeon seasons from the 90's. To start off I've been watching Rocko's Modern Life episodes. Very nice and nostalgic. Next I think I'll attempt Doug and maybe Kenan and Kel (yes I know, gross show to like, haha)... Hopefully I should be going to see Morrissey in March at UB. I missed out on the Ticketmaster seats, so I still need to purchase those really expensive tickets that they offer on random websites... FIN 2 comments|post comment

*Bloodflowers* [23 Nov 2008|09:34am] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Kiss Off ~Violent Femmes ] "this dream never ends" you said "this feeling never goes The time will never come to slip away" "this wave never breaks" you said "this sun never sets again These flowers will never fade" "this world never stops" you said "this wonder never leaves The time will never come to say goodbye" "this tide never turns" you said "this night never falls again These flowers will never die" Never die Never die These flowers will never die "this dream always ends" I said "this feeling always goes The time always comes to slip away" "this wave always breaks" I said "this sun always sets again And these flowers will always fade" "this world always stops" I said "this wonder always leaves The time always comes to say goodbye" "this tide always turns" I said "this night always falls again And these flowers will always die" Always die Always die These flowers will always die Between you and me It's hard to ever really know Who to trust How to think What to believe Between me and you It's hard to ever really know Who to choose How to feel What to do Never fade Never die You give me flowers of love Always fade Always die I let fall flowers of blood post comment

*There’s A Hole In The Soul That We’re Filling With Dope, And We’re Feeling Fine* [07 Oct 2008|10:30pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Atmosphere ~Joy Division ] So Maryland had to be one of the best experiences of my life. It was the first time that Chris and I had a normal vacation without the urban exploring. The best part was the fact that we didn’t plan a single activity, so we just spontaneously winged the whole evening. The scenery on the trip there was perfect also, it reminded us of the island from Jurassic Park. When we first arrived in the city, we took a wrong turn and ended up in the ghetto. We saw a pimp and his prostitute also (which bizarrely wasn’t the last of their kind that we found). The one of many scary parts of the trip was when I walked into the ghetto Burger King in a search for a bathroom. Of course I was the only white person inside. So we left the city, and found a motel to stay in for two days. Chris fell asleep due to lack of sleep, so I ended up walking the neighborhood in search of food. The next day was completely dedicated to exploring Baltimore. We went to the Harbor first to see the sites, stores, and to eat at Potbelly, which was a glorified sandwich place. We also paid money to climb the top of the Baltimore Trade Center which gave you a breathtaking view of the city and surrounding areas. I bought a few shot glasses for my collection at the top. We then visited two different malls, one at the Harbor, and another downtown more. The one mall had four to six levels. I was soooooooooooooo excited to find a Chickfillet at the food court, and we all know how much of a boner I have for Chickfilla. Furthermore, I finally found my milk chocolate cookie dough bites in a bulk sized candy store. They don’t have those in New York, so I ended up buying a pound of that junk. Afterwards we drove back to the Harbor at night. We went to this unique movie theater which actually had a bar inside. From there we saw Religilous, which pretty much summed up my beliefs and the things Chris and I talk about regularly. The film only added to the amazing trip. Afterwards we walked a new part of the city, went back to the harbor (sat on a bench by the waterfront– definately unforgettable), and then walked to the Powerplant Live building since we didn’t know what it was. In the end it turned out to be this whole area filled with outside and inside bars and clubs. Chris and I actually went inside, drank at a bar, and went to the club. It really took me by surprise that we both had an amazing time doing something extroverted that we wouldn’t normally do together. Then to top the entire evening, a man attempted to rob me on my way to the car. He kept pushing and chasing me down the street saying, “where the money at” repeatedly. He then started to kick my legs in an attempt to knock me down as I rushed across the street and towards a large crowd. It scared the SHIT out of me, because he had a whole posse in a van waiting to attack me. Then to add insult to injury, Chris and I almost get robbed together when a group walked through us and felt my pants pocket up. These guys were verbally intimidating as they followed us, but at least they didn’t get physical. Despite all the end of the night drama, it was still one of the best days of my life, and the robberies actually added to the experience. So overall I can’t wait to spoil myself with another trip, oh the joys of no college; spare money and actual days off!!! 2 comments|post comment

*And Someone Will Drive Her Alone, Down The Same Streets That I Did* [16 Sep 2008|11:12pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Gone ~Kanye West ] Notice that you may have heard this one before. It appears that I enjoy complaining about the same shit over and over again. Blah Blah life is a succession of meaningless activities meant to distract yourself or to self medicate yourself from the pain. It’s a constancy in life whether you’re aware of it or not. Whether it’s drowning yourself with art, music, video games, work, a bottle of alcohol (hell every drug in general), or even romantic relationships. I’m growing tired of obsessing, looking for the next fix to soften my mind, my perspective on reality, etc... And you can put the drugs aside also, because I’m speaking in a general sense. We’re talking about the distractions my mind naturally seeks to kill the pain. Maybe it’s a type of self-defense mechanism where my mind tries to distract me from myself. A mechanism created years ago, I’m thinking childhood. The older I get, the more aware I am of this. I am transparent, and I am sick of seeing the world the way I do. Every inch of optimism has been killed, and the realism of the world growing comfortable with me. It’s the value I place on these meaningless distractions which accounts for the pain when things don’t go correctly. When my self-defense mechanisms malfunction, all goes to hell; leaving me with false hope and bitterness. Is it time to stop being stubborn and occasionally mentioning the following in my journal??? Should I stop the self-medication, and pursue anti-whatever it is I need??? I’m tired of this pervasive feeling of sadness, even when I can’t find a reason to be sad. I need to be level, but I’m afraid that prescription drugs can only go so far. It would be like putting a bucket under a leaky roof, but isn’t that the same as what I’m doing right now??? Deep down though, I know that all the drugs and psychologists in the world can’t help me to find true meaning and to help me “do something that matters”. No one can fix the problem that I am mortal, and will never get “more hope or anymore time”. I just don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I’m sick of disappointment; which is something I feel that I can control by being more pessimistic. Being positive hurts, optimism always leads to false hope in the end. For now I’ll return to the same coping mechanisms. I need to climb back inside the wall I created, my short detour outside is over with. Back to the anger, back to the distance, and back to the person I have become. At least I am the closest to invincibility inside my wall. 1 comment|post comment

*My Heart Is A Whore* [28 Aug 2008|02:52pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | The Love Song ~Marilyn Manson ] I think it's time that I finally enter the Richardson Building. It has been long overdue and I'm growing tiresome of being the only Urban Explorer who hasn't been inside the structure. Hell I've heard of people that don't even do what I do, and they have still been inside that building. Enough is enough. Cut to a post one week later where I mention that I'm arrested... 9 comments|post comment

*All Used Up, Halfway Through* [21 Aug 2008|09:58am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | I Wonder ~Kanye West ] Sooooo I finally got a new job. I'm working for Transitional Services on Amherst Street. Right now I'm juggling two jobs, but at least I'm slowly phasing myself out of the gift shop. My car and credit card bill both look disgusting so I want to keep two jobs until I can do something with both. My new job is definately better than the gift shop, even if I'm just saying it because I began a week ago. A lot more freedom, plus benefits such as free food, cable, and internet... Today would also mark my four year anniversary with Angie if we were still dating. In general, I think of this four year span, and it feels like a lifetime ago that I was ending college. So much has transpired since then. Personality wise, I haven't changed, but I know I'm not the same. Yes it's a paraphrased lyric from One Headlight, but it's a weird sensation that's hard to verbalize. I'm still the same, but I'm not. All in all, I realize that the remainder of the day will be one of reflection. This will be the first anniversary I haven't spent with Angie, and I feel that I'm entitled to mope, at least for today. 3 comments|post comment

‎*Nobody Ever Looks At Me Twice*‎ [17 Jul 2008|03:20pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | The Fight Song ~Marilyn Manson‎ ] In my head of pessimism the opening heading says it all. On the positive end of the ‎spectrum, I'm loving this new found popularity; it brings me back to my other ‎periods of glory long ago. During my life there are specific periods consisting of ups ‎and downs regarding my popularity. Thankfully I'm having an up again. I’ve ‎spent years in the plaza with a reputation of creepy awkwardness and it has been ‎turned around in a heartbeat. I need to enjoy this moment while I still can. I ‎usually can't keep something this well for too long. There's a mechanism in my ‎head that always reverts me to a desire of destroying nice moments like these. Also ‎I am thoroughly enjoying the freetime of summer. This may be bad, but I can’t ‎imagine life consisting of school anymore. I feel stressed at the thought of it. This is ‎what people mean when they lose momentum for entering Graduate School... post comment

‎*Sixteen, Clumsy, And Shy, That's The Story Of My Life*‎ [07 Jul 2008|07:20pm] [ mood | nerdy ] [ music | The Teachers Are Araid Of The Pupils ~Morrissey ] I'm getting really tired of traveling to the library every time I desire the internet. Buffalo ‎State's internet is one of the highlights of college life that I miss...‎ With my whining aside, things have been eventful. Last Friday Chris and I journeyed to ‎the movies and saw Wall-e on mushrooms. I don't know if it's the drug speaking, but that ‎film was definitely one of Pixar's finest. The film had a deeper message regarding ‎society, and I think that's why I enjoyed the movie so much. It really surprised me. ‎Walking out of the theater was a major highlight; I love the colors, brightness, and how ‎the visual scenery moves around on hallucenegenics. It's a truly indescribable ‎manifestation, which is refreshing to witness when the normal way of viewing the world ‎around you gets boring. Wow, only I could glorify hallucenegenics. It reminds me of ‎when I wrote scripts that glorified school shooting violence. Yikes... anyways...‎ My art career with Chris has really been taking off lately. I'm ecstatic that a passion and ‎dream of mine is actually materializing. I had so much false hope with the video games, ‎novels, and movie script writing. That's why it's so refreshing to have our digital ‎photography takes off. After Allentown Chris and I participated in a fundraiser for one of ‎the NY Senators, and Celeste Lawson (head of the art council) ended up showing up. As ‎a result, we may be able to join in the Curtains Up event again and do other galleries, ‎hurray!!! I am growing tiresome of capitalizing off of our same old pictures lately ‎though, so hopefully I can motivate myself to go exploring like I used too. I would love ‎to be an urban explorer again and get out of my house...‎ On the negative end of the spectrum, my foolish dreams may be coming true, but I still ‎don't have a new job. I had an interview with Transitional Services the other day, and I ‎really feel that I failed terribly. The interviewer asked me an assortment of random ‎questions, taking me completely off guard. My following answers were filled with ‎periods of awkwardness and silence. Questions such as: if one of the residents says that ‎they want to get an apartment with you, what would you say??? If John is talking to the ‎lamp, what would you do??? And so on. If any readers know of ANY good paying job, ‎that's not too far away from my home, then please let me know...‎ Also, I feel as if I've betrayed my Nintendo fanboyness, because I purchased a "hot" ‎Xbox360 for 200 dollars the other day. The old self would've shook his head in disgust, ‎but the new self realizes that it's finally time to broaden his horizon. My nerdiness is ‎very comforting; thank my god of atheism...‎ The 3rd and 4th of July were the same as always. The 3rd usually consists of the beach ‎by Stroughs and Castaways, and the big difference this year is the fact that I was old ‎enough to get into Castaways. It felt weird spending the 4th away from Angie's parent’s ‎beach, so I traveled there for my 4th of July festivities. I love the shoreline of the beach ‎and how you can see loads of fireworks going off in the distance. Next year I'm thinking ‎of climbing on top of Cargrill S for the 4th of July. That would have to be one of the best ‎places to sit atop of to see fireworks...‎ I must add yet again that I do still love this no more school thing. I get two days off ‎every week, need I say more... Life has been exciting, unique, and eventful since school ‎concluded. I can't think of anything else worth mentioning, so buh-bi...‎ post comment

*Rejection Is One Thing, But Rejection From A Fool Is Cruel* [04 Jun 2008|04:02pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Trampled Underfoot ~Led Zeppelin ] So I’ve officially been done with school for almost a month now, and I’ve already snuck into Buff State to utilize their internet. Go figure. Anyways the graduation ceremony was memorable. It reminded me of high school since Chris and I were allowed to sit together, go up together, and talk like little school girls during the ceremony. I feel so old graduating from college, but I’m beyond excited that it’s finally dead and gone. I began to burn out towards the end, but all is well now since I have for the first time in my life, true free time. Also regarding graduation stuff, my party on the eleventh was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. Thanks to the people who showed up and the all-nighter that ensued due to everyone’s ensuing insomnia. Enough said. Job wise, I’ve been lazy as hell. I’ve applied to Mercy Hospital so far and that’s it. I know I should be sending out resumes and doing something with my life, but the enticing life of no school in the foreseeable future and lounging around is sucking me in. Either way, I’m sure that the student loans that’ll kick in within five months will send me back to reality. The Cure concert back in May completed a part of my life. He must’ve played more songs than I’ve ever heard in a concert and long ones as well. The seats were pretty great too, even better than the ones at the Depeche Mode concert in the same Arena. Now all I need to do is see Morrissey in concert and I’ll be a happy boi. Memorial Day weekend was also a new experience for me. Brad and I traveled to Indiana and it was actually the longest distance I’ve ever journeyed by in car. Brad actually made it there in seven hours when it was really supposed to be an eight and a half hour drive. I’m surprised he only got one speeding ticket for the whole adventure. Allentown is next week. Groupies are needed!!! In all seriousness though, everyone must visit me and give their support. I’m a little nervous this year since our theme is the same, thus detracting from the shock value everyone experienced last Allentown. Our booth should look nicer though, since we’re framing all the pictures and attempting to look a little more professional. Hope to see everyone there =) 2 comments|post comment

*Life Is A Pigsty* [08 May 2008|11:15am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Echoplex ~Nine Inch Nails ] So much has transpired in my busy weeks, physically and emotionally, definitely too many emotions to convey. Nonetheless, three concerts have/will occupy my days within a two week period. This happens every year. I’ll have a period of no concerts then all at once I’ll have two or three at once. I definitely wish they were spaced out more, so I could enjoy my life better. I saw The Police at the HSBC on Saturday. I’m not a “big” Police fan, but I really appreciated Sting’s stage presence. You can tell he has been doing this for awhile and overall it was an excellent concert. On Monday I saw Billy Talent for my second time. My ears are still ringing from the event, since I was one row away from the stage and amps. Angie and I were definitely a few of the minority of older people there. The guy at the door didn’t believe my age, saying that I didn’t look a day over seventeen. I actually complemented him, which is surprising, because before I turned twenty one I used to get so embarrassed about looking so young, but now I can care less. Maybe I’m aging slower, thus making me live long. Wishful thinking possibly??? Besides that, the concert was perfect. I should’ve been doing more of these types of events when I was in high school. I really hate this delay of experience with me, it laughs in my face every morning when I wake up. My mind always felt so old for most of my life, and I’ve been really trying to slow it down lately. I’m sick of my emotions bouncing everywhere, up and down, with brief moments of solace. I need to reach a normal level of functioning. Tangent aside, the third concert, which will also complete my life, is The Cure next week. This concert has been long over due for me. I’m really disappointed though that they’re postponing his new CD until September 13th. They’ve been delaying this CD for over a year now and it irks me. In other CD related news, Trent released a free CD the other day. It’s awesome that he has been so active these past few years. The CD reminds me of a lot of his older CDs combined into one. I’m glad that he’s back into his usual depressing lyrics, but I still need to listen to the CD more to formulate a positive opinion. What else??? I had a gay camping experience with Steve and Andy. Gay in the fact that it was with two guys, because besides that the experience was a load of fun, in reality I got the best sleep I’ve had in years due to the fresh air… My parents are also in town for my graduation, which is on Saturday. I’m extremely excited and scared at the same time. I’m ecstatic about the free time so I can focus on Urban Exploring again, but I still need to find a new job to gain some experience in my field. Once the student loans hit me, there’ll be no turning back. I’m contemplating attending the graduation event in just my hat and nothing more; if it’s cold then it may be embarrassing though. I digress. This upcoming graduation has been so hard on me since I’m not with Angie. She has been with me for the past four years, during my entire college career, and it doesn’t feel right not being with her, and even her family, despite what negative things they may think about me. Everything is happening at the wrong time and nothing feels the way it should. I miss the old me, the one that existed years ago, before I built a wall around me from all the hurt. I know it’s still inside, here and there, I have moments of vulnerability, and the true me comes out, but it’s infrequent. I never truly understood that this was a wall I built around me, and all the people are talking to the walls outside. I knew I changed. I hated what I was becoming in the past, and as time elapsed I grew to embrace and accept the new person I’ve become, but in reality I miss the old me, that still exists deep inside, under all the protective layers of BULLSHIT suffocating me. Inside the wall exists a person that truly cares, a less cynically depersonalized and empathetic individual. Truth be told, I may finally love myself more than ever, but at the cost of losing who I really am… 7 comments|post comment

*Take Life At Five Times The Average Speed* [17 Apr 2008|01:33pm] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | I Feel Like Dying ~Lil Wayne ] My mind felt mentally fucked and ravaged Tuesday night. The evening was unlike anything I ever experienced and will remain memorable until my death. The colors of the world were brighter than I’ve ever perceived. Lights exhibited the brightest white while aurora beams stretched down towards the ground. The color of the grass was the most perfectly form of green I’ve ever witnessed. Upon research the next day, I learned that you view the colors of life before your brain filters what you see. In that sense, the parameters of the normal daily life feels so limiting to me, because there’s a way of perceiving reality (everything around you) in a different way. As time elapsed during the experience, my mind was becoming over stimulated, and I was uncontrollably reduced back to an infantile state. As I looked at the newly geometrical and melting world before my eyes, all I could verbalize was “la-la-la” (and I mean that in a serious infant sounding way). It’s like I was perceiving life, the way you do for the first time when you’re born, when you have no ability and understanding of the world around you. Scientific knowledge concludes that time is a concept created by the human mind. In essence there really is no such thing as time, outside of the concept humans have created. In this world, I had no conception of time. I was outside of time. I was in the abstract, deep within the regions of my mind, and I had no way of getting out. The moments that I were out, gave me the time to experience the amplification of smell while feeling an enormous amount of love, and the sensation that I was inside of music. Tuesday night truly felt like a roller coaster ride. The beginning truly feels like the ascent up the tracks, before you experience the long fall. When I was conscious, I had the feeling that I was inside of everything, even Chris, and I don’t mean it in the homosexual sense either. Plus it felt as if my mind could make the landscape look like anything. I viewed my face in the mirror, and I could make myself look younger and older. In addition, my pictures of decay and abandonment looked better than they ever had before. The night was a uniquely fascinating experience. I will never feel and think the same from it again… 11 comments|post comment

*The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get* [15 Apr 2008|12:29pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Spring-Heeled Jim ~Morrissey ] Wow, yesterday I spent eleven hours on the same computer at school to work on my presentation. I thought I was finished, but now I realize that I need more slides for Thursday, or else I’m going to come up short. I seriously must never procrastinate again!!! Besides the above stress which has been killing my heart, all has been going well. I actually hung out with Joe last week, and I finally saw his new apartment that he’s had for over a year. We watched Orgazmo, and I was surprised that Joe saw the film. I still love the part where Trey prays to God, asking him for a sign if he shouldn’t act in the porno, then an earthquake ensues, and after the devastation he says, “any sign at all.” Hilarious I know… I finally listened to the Ghost CD by NIN, and I must admit that it interested me a lot more than I expected (especially with Mary Jane of course). I’ve already listened to it four times, which is more than I thought I’d listen to a two hour instrumental CD… On the other end of the spectrum, is my Morrissey collection which is getting larger. I used to hate his solo career, definitely preferring The Smiths, but I’m really starting to get into his work in general… I also received my Nintendo Emulator in the mail last week. It’s a three pound system that plays all my old Nintendo cartridges, but without the burden of not working like the original system. Yes I have no desire to grow up… Last week Chris and I went to my favorite area behind the Hamburg Cemetery. A definitely funny scenario ensued where I wanted to beat him. Plus we walked through the village and visited my dad’s gas station. Whenever I randomly visit, I always wonder how awkward my first encounter with my dad would be. Would he recognize me? (Hey that’s a good looking boi?) Would we bond over the weather? Who the FUCK knows??? I’ll probably meet him at his funeral at this rate… Again I will state this, but I refuse to go to the Regal. The cheap seats by the Galleria are phenomenal. I say Definitely Maybe with Angie for three dollars altogether, and the next day I saw Semi-Pro with Chris. The week before that, Be Kind Rewind… Angie got me a twelve string guitar. I truly love the instrument. So far a know a couple parts of three songs, and I’m trying to learn Just Like Heaven. I got the chords down, but it’s difficult to change the chords at extreme speeds. Hopefully when I graduate I’ll have more time to focus on my awesome skills… Angie and I also took another Pennsylvania trip to eat at Chick-Feeela. The lemonade is phenomenal; I definitely have not stated that enough. Plus the chicken is orgasmic. Afterwards we went to Plato’s closet and the CD store next to it. Plus on our way there we visited this cool Firework Store so Angie could buy some Mace. I’m definitely saving my money and taking a road trip there to buy fireworks for the fourth of July… FIN 7 comments|post comment

*You Are Repressed, But You’re Remarkably Dressed* [01 Apr 2008|11:56am] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | The Waiting ~Tom Petty ] I loathe that overwhelming feeling of stress as I enter Buffalo air space. Every time I travel to Florida for a week my mind and body feels refreshed, yet the longer I stay in NY territory that emotion gradually dissipates. Optimistically though, after a long vacation you always view your old environment with new eyes, like it’s not so familiar anymore. What’s positive about this is the fact that for once I can objectively assess the stressors in my life as they slowly enter again, one by one. But knowledge is one thing, applying it is the other. Pointless babble aside, Florida was perfect as usual. It had to be one of the best visits I had in a while. My family bought a new house, which is literally directly across the street. It felt like a Twilight Zone episode, I walk into the new house and it has the same layout as the old, except it’s reversed. You need to see it, to feel the bizarity (yes I’m in high-school again, making my own words). My stepbrother Nicky was kicked out of his house in NY, so he is living in the garage of my parent’s new house. Without him my nights in Florida wouldn’t have been so perfect. The new experiences were really what I needed to bring myself out of my inevitable pessimism. I realized that we had the same SHITTY experiences in life (some that can be derived from growing up in the same household at times) and we turned out the exact same way. Except Nicky is how I would’ve turned out if I wasn’t so implosive and vice-versa. Nicky is the explosively depressed version of me. I really underestimated his intelligence, and that definitely made for good (heterosexual) conversations. Besides that, toasting up on the beach felt refreshing too. The warmth in Florida makes me feel retarded for staying in NY. I say I enjoy this gloomy weather, but when I’m exposed to a healthy atmosphere, I actually feel the growth. Easter Eve ritual is always a blast too. My mother makes the baskets and my stepbrothers and I take turns playing the Easter Bunny on each other. It’s a ritual that has been going on since high-school that I still derive some kicks out of. I really did feel like a new person in Florida. I actually self taught myself to play a bunch of chords on the guitar whilst building calluses on the finger tips and I also played Tennis for my first time. Considering that I’m not a big sports person, I’m actually surprised that I really loved it. I just wish that I could’ve kept these two new hobbies with me as I came back to Buffalo. Overall it was the perfect trip, I miss my bro and mum yet again, but at least they’re coming up soon for my Graduation. Only five more weeeeeks. Hurray for the Queen of England!!! post comment

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